Landlords and Their Many Shenanigans: A Nigerian Tale
Ah, real estate in Nigeria—a topic as rich as jollof rice and as dramatic as a Nollywood plot twist. If you’ve ever rented a place in Nigeria, you’ll know that the term “landlord” comes with its own special seasoning of wahala. Let’s dive into the hilarious world of property matters Naija style.
The Many Faces of Nigerian Landlords:
- The Ghost Landlord
These are as elusive as NEPA bringing uninterrupted light. You’ve signed the rent agreement, paid your money, and moved in, but your landlord? Nowhere to be found! Oh, but just wait—when it’s time for rent renewal or to introduce an unexpected “maintenance fee,” they’ll materialize like a genie summoned from the lamp. - The Overzealous Caretaker (Who Thinks He’s the Landlord)
This character is a classic. He’ll monitor your every move like a CCTV camera. Guests? He’ll ask if they’re staying overnight. Cooking? He’ll complain you’re using too much gas, even though it’s your own! You’d think he built the house with his bare hands the way he carries himself. - The Inspector-General of Properties
This landlord makes random appearances without notice. They’ll pop in like “Surprise!” to inspect the house and lecture you on how you’re “ruining” their precious property. Spilt water on the balcony? They’ll act like you’ve cracked the walls of a historical monument. - The Forever Builder
Their favourite phrase is “We’ll soon complete the road to the house,” or “Next year, we’ll add running water.” Next year never comes. If you don’t take action yourself, you might be fetching water like it’s 1890—bucket in hand. - The Sentimental Landlord
Every corner of the property has a nostalgic story. “That mango tree? I planted it in 1978. The tiles? I selected them from Dubai!” They’ll guilt-trip you into treating the house like a museum. Scratch the wall accidentally, and they might break down in tears.
Rent Wahala: A Never-Ending Saga
Renting in Nigeria is like participating in an Olympic sport. First, you need to have a champion-level ability to negotiate. If the landlord asks for two years’ rent upfront, you’d better call your village people for backup. Then comes the “agent and agreement” fee, which honestly deserves its own comedy show. Some agents charge you for “agreement” as though they drafted the Nigerian constitution.
Don’t forget the ingenious “service charge.” Whether or not the generator works, whether or not the security guard remembers to open the gate, you’ll pay it because, well… Nigerian landlords have a Ph.D. in creative billing.
Property Ads and Hidden Realities
When searching for a place, the descriptions are sometimes as deceptive as election promises, but not at Dombert Homes and Properties. “Spacious two-bedroom flat in a serene environment” might turn out to be two small rooms squeezed into a noisy compound with goats as permanent residents. And “light and water inclusive”? Let’s just say you should always ask if the landlord is referring to electricity from NEPA or the generator you’ll buy yourself.
At the end of the day, as chaotic and comedic as the property game in Nigeria can be, it’s also a rite of passage. Nothing bonds Nigerians together like shared landlord stories. Whether it’s the landlord who raises rent during harmattan or the one who locks your gate when you refuse to pay for a “new” security light, we all have tales to tell.
So, next time you see your landlord, greet them well, because behind every property lies a character worthy of its own Nollywood movie!
